White Wolf 2

Wed 20 June 07

I experienced White Wolf throughout the night.  It was vague, but continuous. She was teaching me to mold some part of the earth/reality using white cloud-like material.  Carving 3-D shapes into it.  It made me think of how I see spirit images in photos that look formed from some layer of stuff.

Also, there was a boy learning at the same time as me.  He was being taught to shape things from the blue layer, which was similar, but not the same material and layer as the white layer I was working on.

Yesterday I pieced more things together.  For example, my Little Red Riding Hood book from childhood which is the first book I ever had and it extends back furthest in my memory.  I always found the wolf drawings in it very confronting.  The wolf in the book looks so much like the wolves I saw with White Wolf.  Especially when the wolf is tucked into grandma's bed with the covers over its head like a cloak.

Fri 22 June 07

Last night was a huge, long, challenging night of learning with White Wolf.  It started perhaps 1 to 2 hours into sleep.  I was sleeping on the edge of the bed facing the wall when suddenly large, grey spiders, about the size of tarantulas, but more gangly were thrust at me.  And not just in my face but on top of my head over my ear.  They were also a bit animated, which is not usually the case when I experience etheric spiders.

I screamed and scrambled backwards to avoid them and my eyes flew open.  This woke my husband, but I think he fell right back to sleep, used to this sort of thing with me.  And I chuckled instantly realizing that I reacted once again and knowing that it was a spirit that had done this, and pretty sure it was White Wolf.  Actually, the spiders looked a little bit like White Wolf with their pale grey colour and the hint of slanted eyes.  I was embarrassed I had reacted, and yet, I just haven't over come this yet.  It's a big thing.

However, this was just the opener for lessons to follow.  I could feel White Wolf still around, but I was tired so I turned my back to the bedside where I felt she was standing and had most access to me, and I snuggled in to sleep.

Nonetheless, I was eventually wakened to participate in learning.  To keep me conscious, White Wolf used the same techniques used by the grey alien (03.03.07) that is when I would fall asleep I would feel a pain (this time in my thigh) just enough to keep me from sleeping, so I would wake up.  And then when I would wake, the pain would vanish (effective behavioural conditioning, too).

I strongly sensed White Wolf's presence all night and I captured glimpses of her long thin topaz eyes in my mind's eye.  I wondered if she was the same being as the grey alien.  I asked questions and she answered them, but unfortunately I cannot remember any specifics.  However, I don't think she is the same being.

At one point I felt annoyed enough at not being allowed deep, unbroken sleep, that some sub-part of me stated, "I don't love you," to White Wolf.  The conscious part of me was worried that this was a bad move because I felt White Wolf recede after this statement and I feared she would leave me.  And though I was tired and annoyed I knew it was a privilege to receive her mentoring and that I should be tough to get the most out of this.  So I tried to search myself for whatever genuine love I had for White Wolf.  It was hard because she is new to me and still seems scary like the grey alien, probably because they are powerful, foreign and not here to coddle me, but to push me like an army sergeant to make me stronger.  It's always hard to initially love and appreciate the teachers that are the hardest.  But so easy to love and respect them deeply forever in hindsight.

I think I found a bit of love finally, but White Wolf probably couldn't and wouldn't leave me anyway based on that one weak thought alone.  I can't remember what I learned exactly, but she was there for hours.

I dreamed that the people who live across the street from me captured some shadow spirit activity on video.  It was night time and they had a cream coloured tent set up that was lit from the inside.  There were various shaped shadows cast on the tent from trees over the outside of the tent.  One of the shadows was shaped a bit like a bat and moved along purposefully, visible as a sentient being to someone who was intentionally looking for spirit, but perhaps not to someone else.

In the dream and perhaps in real life, my vision has progressed so I easily saw the entities of light and shadow and now saw the entities that are pinpoints of light moving about (the things I call fairy lights).  I saw a red fairy light and I was amazed.

I got to know the man who had filmed the light/shadow being and I felt touched by his new-found enthusiasm for realizing spirit is real.  This drew me to him strongly and made me feel physically attracted to him.  I was intrigued and disappointed to begin realizing this is why I felt drawn to certain people despite my being married.  And I realized my desire was something I would get better at overcoming as I realized it was a triggered reaction due to a crossing of spiritual paths.

When I would wake in the night, I truly "knew" that White Wolf was real and there with me in a nearby dimension.  I had no doubt.  And little scratches on the roof corresponded to my thoughts about her in the night about whether she was there.  During the day my knowledge turns more into faith.

Today while playing Yahtzee I thought, I'd love to get a full house, and I did.  I got 3 more of them in a row and a total of 6 throughout the game.  Then I thought, I would love to get a yahtzee, and then I did, with another one following shortly afterward.  I think the idea of love had an effect on the outcome.

This incident triggered my memory that last night one of White Wolf's lessons was to not indulge in negative thoughts as that is nurturing them.  And to feed positive thought with love.  And maybe this is why when a part of me said, "I don't love you," to White Wolf, a part of me searched for love to bring her back.  Perhaps it was really a lesson as I was a bit shocked part of me would say "I don't love you".

Sat 23 June 07

I was quite physically tired all day yesterday.  When I finally got to bed close to midnight, I slept heavily.  But yet again, I know White Wolf was with me.  I experienced fleeting glances in my mind's eye and memories of her.  I was introduced to other wolves.  Blue Wolf stands out most in my mind and I saw the blue reality being sculpted.  However when I drew in my visual journal this morning, I drew a glaring red wolf.  I think I also met Black Wolf.  So that's: White, Blue, Red, and Black now that I am aware of.  And I woke this morning with the words, "Keeping the faith."


Sun 24 June 07

I had interactions with White Wolf all night, but I can't remember specifics.  I find it amazing that she is with me for such long periods and so consistently.  I know I was able to ask her questions, but the only answer I remember when asking what she is, is that she is a mosaic (a work of art made up of many pieces).  I also remember seeing eyes that I assume are part of White Wolf, that were round, brown, like a dog's eyes, but not quite.  I see so many different types of distinct eyes all the time, in my mind and in photos.

My waking life is further merging with my dreams.  I can see how a skeptical psychologist could believe I am building a night-life based upon the things that happen in the day because there is such synchronicity and coincidence.  And yet, I think it is that both worlds are weaved together so I see things in the day that correspond with my visions in the night.

This morning we put up a highly visible roving camera in a big bubble hung from a pole on our roof which we can view and control through our computer network.  The old me would have been very upset to draw attention to our house like this.  But the emerging me now understands we have the right to do things that are not intentionally hurting anyone and that amuse and delight either one of us.  I am learning so much from my life and from White Wolf on how to live large, and respect and command my own power.  Collective fear would keep us down and suppress our strength and abilities—no tall poppies—but it is our right and duty to overcome and to shine.

Tue 26 June 07

I woke this morning with no memories of working with White Wolf.  I was a little disappointed not having a single memory of her, but I didn't want to seem desperate or greedy to myself so I let it go.

Later in the morning I was tired so I laid down and fell asleep, dozing for an hour or so.

I dreamed I was with Captain Janeway of Star Trek's Voyager series. I have always seen her as an awesome, strong female character.  A man, a young woman, Captain Janeway and I were travelling around my childhood neighbourhood.  The young woman seemed too obtuse (blunt and overbearing), a characteristic I have always disdained. She asked the Captain openly if she had ever had a boyfriend.

The Captain said no and that she would not necessarily divulge that anyway.  The obtuse girl laughed it off, seemingly unbothered, and we continued on our travels.  I knew I would never ask such a personal question, in a group setting, of such a grand woman that I was desperate to bond with.

We stopped at a community spa where the man and the Captain went for a swim in the huge pool.  I decided to join them and chose to ignore my fear of what I might look like in my swimsuit.  I was glad I did as the swim was lovely and I enjoyed being around the Captain.  But I quickly realized that out of habit and unconsciousness, I had brought my camera bag with me draped around my neck.  The bag was wet on the outside, but I removed it in time to keep the water from ingressing further.

We swam up and down the length of the pool at a leisurely to moderate rate, making the swim fun, easy and enjoyable.  After one lap the Captain and the man got out and I thought, Oh, but I could keep going, and I probably should as I could do with the exercise for weight loss.  And then I realized, as if received telepathically from the Captain, that just because I could do more, doesn't mean I SHOULD.

I took this message well to heart upon waking later and found myself repeating it over and over in my head.  I had quit going to the gym after a year of seriously overdoing it and burning myself out on it forever.  And taking a daily vigorous walk seems to be taking me down this same path of burnout.  I loath it because when I walk with my husband I push myself to keep up and it hurts so much (with his long thin legs and my short fat ones).  I have begun dreading any walks now instead of enjoying them for what they are—a moment to enjoy my body in the outdoors.

There is no need to push to do things.  Divine will leads me naturally with promptings and desires.  I must diet only from negative thoughts of any and all kinds.  No need to inflict pain or punishment upon my self.  I must instead allow myself to be led into a state of balance.

After the swimming within my dream, I walked outside and saw homes that looked as though they were build into the side of an orange rock canyon, where the doorways were arched cave openings.  But as I looked closer they turned into normal suburban homes.  However, I think this vision was intentionally referring to some pastlife where I lived in such a place.

As we arrived at a home we were staying in I found myself alone with the Captain.  I was thrilled at the opportunity to get to know her through this one-on-one time.  I wanted to know more about her, but I didn't want to seem prying.  She was in the corner busy going through some papers.  She looked pleasant and in good spirits, so I said, "You have not had a boyfriend, right?"  At this I finally had her undivided attention.  And she said with good humour, "You wouldn't make a very good prosecutor." And I realized instantaneously what she meant.  I drew a big loop around myself in the air with my finger and I said, "My questions come with big loopholes so people can get out of them."  I realized that she would likely have answered my question honestly if I had asked her directly whilst in an intimate setting like we were.  But instead I had practically invited her to say "no" as I had felt worried she would not trust me with such personal information so I tried to illustrate how undemanding I am by asking a totally passive question in hopes that this would foster trust.  But it was an indirect and ineffective route.  The obtuse girl was too blunt, and I was too soft.  Obviously I should strive for balance in between.

I feel great joy that White Wolf is still with me! She took the form of Captain Janeway in my dream.  And I feel I can call on her if I need her (mustn't be passive).

I also realized of late that once food enters my mouth and body, I am to release it, never to let my mind settle upon it again.  To worry over it, feel guilty about it, or just to focus on its presence, is to keep it with me when it needs to be released.

Live in the present, think in the positive.

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